Why Black Ops’ Best Story BAFTA nom is richly deserved

The news that Call Of Duty: Black Ops has been nominated for a BAFTA for Best Story has sent shockwaves through the normally level-headed videogame industry. Many, who I will omit for the sake of time and a lack of hard empirical evidence, have decried the news, howling at the black moon of social networking about how it shouldn’t possibly be included.

Why? Well, the story is, frankly, rubbish. It’s just another example of gung-ho bang-bangery, isn’t it? It’s just more neo-fascist, history-rewriting propaganda, the detractors moan impotently, as if Uncle BAFTA is suddenly going to glide out of his ivory tower and correct this ‘mistake’. ‘It doesn’t even make any sense!’ they say, as if any of the other plots in the competing games in the category do.

Mass Effect 2? Don’t make me laugh, fool. It’s not an RPG; it’s a shooter with RPG elements. OH, WAIT! Can’t you talk in Mass Effect? Make choices and stuff? SO WHAT? YOU’RE STILL A BLOODY SPACE MARINE! There are Star Wars action figures that ‘talk’; you don’t see them classed as RPGs, do you?

Then there’s Heavy Rain, a game seemingly set in a futuristic dystopia where French colonial power has reasserted itself, leading to everyone in the game having butchered, pseudo-French accents. The ‘story’ in this game is how to be a bad father. They should’ve called it ‘How To Lose Your Kids In 10 Days’ and put a laugh track over it, because it’s bloody hilarious that anyone took this seriously.

Fallout: New Vegas? Worst story ever. It’s got that guy from Friends in it, right? Instant fail.

Alan Wake? Great story. Could win. It’s like Stephen King, yeah?

It’s my conclusion that Black Ops is actually a satirical sideswipe at both videogames and the action genre. Those of you stupid enough to believe it is serious have been mugged off. The constant numbers babble? A concerted effort from Treyarch to underline the falling levels of numerical literacy in America. JFK? A nifty little riff on the decline of the quality of voice acting. The whole underwater sub base? A playful jab at Modern Warfare 2’s over-the-top story.

It’s all there, people, right in front of you. As BAFTA spokesman Bicky H Nutt definitely did not say at the reveal of the nominations: “All award shows are a sham. You know that, right? Idiots”.

Only joking. It’s terrible.