Skyrim: 5 Things It’s Missing

As gamer’s we feel it’s our duty to point them out so that similar mistakes aren’t made in the future. This is beginner’s stuff it honestly is; Bethesda must be kicking themselves.

You might think The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is the most complete console RPG ever created, but here are 5, crushingly obvious leftovers that totally ruin the experience. We don’t think we’ll ever get over it… it’s just too upsetting.

Here’s a run down of the top 5 things that, clearly, should have been included in Skyrim…

5. Toilets
Oh, so we’re expected to believe we have to sleep whenever we can, but we can’t ever take a shit? Ever? Where are all the toilets in Skyrim? You’d at least think players would occasionally come across a farmer doing his business, but no; no one in Skyrim ever needs a poo. Even the woods are off limits because they’re full of bears, but none of them, and I mean none of them, are ever shitting there. That answers one question.

4. Dinosaurs
There are mammoths and sabertooth tigers, so why not dinosaurs? And before you say that dragons are like dinosaurs, let us be the first to inform you that dinosaurs and dragons became extinct at totally different times. Having dinosaurs roam the plains alongside mammoths, as they did in the past, would have been so much more realistic than having dragons. You can’t tell us you wouldn’t want to see a Chungkingosaurus Jiangbeiensis stomping around Skyrim, stealing all the toilets?

3. Cars
‘An olde world fantasy RPG, with cars? Are you mental? Our answer is ‘why not?’ Cars are the perfect means of transport across huge open spaces and Skyrim has loads of these. Walking around on-foot or on horseback takes flipping ages and it’s really boring, hasn’t Bethesda ever played Baja: Edge Of Control? It’s amazing. ATVs would have made it much easier to chase dragons around. Think about it; you know we’re right.

2. Yoda

Yoda, in Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, is as wise as he is old and as green as he is strong with the Force and as mode of speech as he is backwards in. Skyrim might be filled to bursting with colourful characters but none of them are Yoda; what were they thinking? Magic in Skyrim is basically the Force, and Yoda has already appeared in Soul Calibur IV, and they made it work in that game. This would have made Skyrim at 5.8% better; 95.8% better if Bethesda had also included toilets for us to loot troll turds from.

1. Dr Who
Dr Who is a Time Lord which means he can travel through time all he wants. He also has access to the Tardis which allows him to travel through time and space (at the same time), so the fact that he doesn’t appear anywhere throughout Skyrim is a glaring omission. There’s heavy shit going down and a complete dearth of Timelords. Bethesda could have tied it into the BBC Christmas special.