How Halo: Reach proved jetpacks suck
We never thought we’d find ourselves saying that, but a poor marketing stunt has forced our hand
Let’s get right to it. Jetpacks are, in theory, the greatest thing ever. Ever since Sean Connery flew around in one in From Russia With Love, dealing debonair death with a side of ironic detachment, we’ve had a love affair with the things. Videogames and science fiction have only made things worse, filling our heads with outlandish scenarios where we could fly free like birds, or indulge in those outer space death battles that appear in various films for no good reason other than that Star Wars had recently come out.
James Bond…in space? Awesome!
Until now. And we’ve only got Halo Reach to blame for that. Now, before you explode in Vesuvius-esque fanboy rage and consult the big book of 21st century insults, we’re not talking about the jetpacks in the game. They’re pretty cool. They are the ideal, everything that we dreamed of when we were eight. No, we’re talking about the jetpack used to publicise Reach’s launch in Trafalgar Square this week. Words can’t really describe it, and seeing as Reach is so popular and about to make more money than most African states generate in a year, we’re sure you’ve already seen it.
Seriously though, as a bit of marketing and also a devestating jackboot to our childish dreams, how poor was that? Instead of flying around without a care in the world, shooting lasers at midget enemies and attempting to save the world via the medium of massively overblowing a story about action figures shooting at each other, we get to see a rather nervous looking man, kind-of-flying (strafing, really), jerking around about twenty feet off the ground until landing and awkwardly stumbling in a way that would lose you points in any field of gymnastics.
The worst part of it, however isn’t the debillitating realisation that we’ll probably never be able to just fly to work, or (more realistically, clearly) do battle with Timothy Dalton and his excellent moustache while sporting a jetpack.
Nope, what’s worse is the generally embarrassing level of fanboyism swirling around the whole shebang: the (apparantly few) people there really were cheering the fact that a man in a suit (which did look awesome, to be fair) kind of wobbled around in the air for a bit before landing with the grace of a disabled horse.
One man present, who may or may not have recently escaped from the clutches of certain mental health authorities, described it as ‘awesome’. Sadly, this is not a fact, but what is is that all of our jetpack dreams are now crushed, and worse still (only a little, mind) is that this poor stunt does no favours for Halo: Reach’s (apparant) appeal as a sophisticated, tip-of-the-spear, triple-A flagship blockbuster because it just looks so…silly.
Coming from a man who seemingly spends all day dreaming of jetpacks and Timothy Dalton’s facial hair, that’s saying something.
The Deal’s views are never those of X360, or any sane person for that matter.
Moonraker is available now on DVD from MGM studios