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Hollywood’s wasting its time,
you know, if this abomination
is anything to go by. Why do
movie studios blow millions of dollars
on ornate sets and expensive location
filming when all people really want
to see is the same featureless corridor
over and over again? Why do they pay
people with wit and sophistication to
write their scripts when the pinnacle
of human entertainment is to tap a
button and collect coins? Indeed, why
even create the concept of a superhero
at all, when characters who rush into
laser fire and cannot conquer ledges of
just over a foot in height will send the
cinema-going audience into immediate
rapturous delight?
Of course, all of the above is
complete and utter nonsense, making
Rise Of The Silver Surfer one of the
360’s most shameful titles yet. Yet,
unbelievably, the most depressing part
of the whole package isn’t the game’s
overall quality, it’s the inevitability of
the whole process behind it. There’s a
high probability that this pile of loose
stool water is topping the charts as
you read these words, quite unaffected
by critical opinion due to the fact it’s
being reviewed on the same day it
hits store shelves (not a coincidence,
fact fans!) A development team will
have slaved away designing the world
(creating art assets and so forth,
with no small degree of skill) only
to thoroughly irritate people who’ve
paid good money and then receive
vitriolic reviews across the board to
boot. The only people who win are the
shareholders. And, of course, the spirit
of unspeakable evil.
It’s enough to put you in a genuinely
foul mood as you play. If by some
miracle it doesn’t, wondering why the
ability to jump is a power granted to
only one superhero, whether another
production method could have been
found for a menu system made out of
cut-out Frosties boxes and counting
crates definitely will. GamerScore
followers will salivate at the 750 or so
points on offer from one runthrough,
but even so we’d recommend an
addiction less dangerous. Like base
jumping without a parachute, for
example, or taking a long walk down a
short plank.
Dave Shaw
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