We all wear hats. Not in the literal sense, of course – those days have lamentably passed. What we’re talking about are the kind of metaphorical hats we choose to wear. Say, for example, you’re on a first date. A quick ruffle through your mental wardrobe should lead you to don your warm, fluffy, considerate, caring, but probably a little bit naughty between-the-sheets bonnet. That’s the image you want to put across, so that’s the hat you wear. You’ve got a meeting with the boss. That particular hat isn’t likely to get you very far, is it? No, you’ll dress yourself up in your consummate professional headwear, or perhaps you might gear yourself up in a grovelly, brown-nose affair, whatever. We do the same with games. Try a few rounds of Street Fighter II with your Mortal Kombat hat on. Doesn’t work, does it? Some of those hats are well used, while others sit, languishing on those hard-to-reach hooks on your mental hatstand. Some get so little service, that if you weren’t lazy, you might think about taking them down to the charity shop. One such cap is the enormous, ridiculously adorned Dynasty Warriors one. Yeah, that one doesn’t fit so well any more does it?

We’ve all tried it at some point and, a bit like many relationships we’ve been in, those that have delved into the Romance Of The Three Kingdoms have undoubtedly persevered with it a little longer than it genuinely deserves. It’s baffling, but the Dynasty Warriors franchise is one of the most prolific out there, seeing more than its fair share of rehashes over the last few years. Regular as clockwork, and marginally less interesting, Koei’s feudal eastern drama is loaded with rivalries, twists and connections with other titles in the stable, most notably Kessen. If you didn’t know better, you might think it an immensely popular series. Sadly, we do know better. It’s never been popular with anyone we know, and it’s certainly never surpassed expectation in any way. Indeed, it’s the most predictable franchise around, but still manages to snatch up strangely upbeat reviews, usually going along the lines of ‘If you like Dynasty Warriors, you’ll love this’. Well, we’re not like that, and we can categorically say that if you like Dynasty Warriors and were expecting something special from the new generation of hardware, you’re going to be disappointed. Very disappointed.

Essentially, what you get with the next-gen version is a shiny, previous generation title. In all honesty it’s not the kind of thing worth taking time out to read about, and it sure as hell ain’t worth writing about. So let’s make a deal, huh? We’ll do our bit, if you do yours. Dynasty Warriors’ biggest problem has always been with the inane nature of the combat. Friend and foe alike stand, statuesque like post-operative lobotomy patients, waiting for an epiphany to kick-start them into having a go at someone with the sword, spear, axe or projectile about their person. Put the controller down and you can have a good 30 seconds before someone decides to have a bash at removing your head from your shoulders. The blocking system is unsalvageably broken, the one-on-one combat with other generals or lieutenants is similarly ruined and the ranged attacks are both pointless and boring – quite a combination. The one combo you have at your disposal, depending on the character you choose to take control of, is fun for a while, especially if you happen to be playing as one of the twirly spear-wielding dudes, but compared to any other fighter out there, it lacks anything resembling fun. Even those button-mashing maniacs out there will find little present in the combat system to warrant more than a few hours of gameplay. Indeed, the epic nature of the battles seems somewhat lessened on the Xbox 360. While the stat sheets indicate troop numbers reaching into the thousands, the on-screen reality is somewhat muted. Handfuls of troops pop up on the edge of your vision, charge into battle, then stand swivelling on the spot until some mysterious force entices them to get animated. Every now and again one will hit you with an irritating combo, but given the enormous number of foes that fall at the end of your weapon, you probably deserve it. What’s worse is that we remember enjoying the mindless slaughter doled out by many others in the series, and if anything, it feels weaker and less involved than ever before. There’s not much else to the combat. Any hint of strategy on the battlefield boils down to taking control of supply bases spread across the maps or defending sensitive areas. Someone at Koei really needs to have a close look at this, not insignificant, area of the Dynasty Warriors franchise. A very close look, and maybe a board meeting that ends with the words “Yes sir, we’ll make Dynasty Warriors much better, sir”.

Good news for us then, that the combat is far from the entirety of the game. We’ve got the whole pre-fight preparation phase to talk about yet. As with previous Dynasty Warriors titles, we’re lead to believe that fiddling around with options, advisors and plans before the battle makes any kind of difference to the outcome of the battles. What makes it worse is the impenetrability of the whole deal, as when you first encounter the multitude of suggestions offered by your band of generals, you could be forgiven for thinking it’s a good deal more complex than it actually is. Maybe we’re missing something, but the depth delivered by Dynasty Warriors 5 Empires is nominal in comparison with pretty much any strategy title you care to think about. There are Gameboy titles around that offer far greater interest in terms of tactics and strategy, Christ, cutting your toenails requires greater thought than many elements on display here. Indeed, there’s little on show that the last iteration didn’t touch on. Okay, DW aficionados will probably be ranting on about nuance and subtlety, but there’s no escaping the fact that Empires has received little more than a 30-second nuke in the developmental microwave, leaving you with the standard package of building up your empire over the space of 25 years, amassing the gold, acquiring territory and defending those areas you’ve captured.

This is the area that demands most thought however, making the correct allocation of troops vital to any successful campaign. Alliances also factor into your overall tactics, as does the occasional natural disaster but, much like every other aspect of the game, they’re easy to ignore, leaving you with the next half hour’s button mashing to think about. If you hadn’t guessed already, that particular thought isn’t one we’re overly joyful about, as not only do you (and your controller’s X button) have to endure the mind-numbing repetitiveness of the combat, but there’s the bizarre J-pop/rock/techno and wince-inducing voice acting score to deal with. Ouch.

It’s a shame to slate something so utterly when you know that there are people out there that will love it regardless of its stunted growth and slightly deformed combat, but we really feel Dynasty Warriors has reached the point of no return. A vast majority of 360 gamers are going to play this, get bored and never touch another title in the series again, making Koei’s decision to rehash a PS2 title somewhat silly and more than a little self-destructive.

As we said, maybe we’re missing something, but we’ve enjoyed a number of previous titles in the series, and despite the mundane nature of the combat and pointlessness of the tactical aspect, there’s always been something to draw you back for a quick blast every now and again. Empires simply doesn’t have that magic any more, and the consideration that was so obvious seems to have ebbed a little, making the whole affair decidedly less attractive than ever. We’re not prepared to accept the idea that because a franchise has a loyal following it has free licence to burst onto a new console and ignore the immense new developmental avenues open to it. Dynasty Warriors 5 Empires is, bar a few graphical tweaks, the same game you can get on the PS2, and that just wont wash with us. Of course, there will always be the stalwart fans that will happily gobble down any Three Kingdoms material that Koei decides to throw out, but for most gamers, it's not worth dusting off that hat for this particular party.

Tom Leclerc