Crap joke thread

[Bob]

Courtesy of Jimmy Carr:

Say what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we’re going to have a ******* good Paralympic team in 2012

[Cerebral_Wolf]

Courtesy of Jimmy Carr:

Say what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we’re going to have a ******* good Paralympic team in 2012

<3 Jimmy Carr.

[gugly_duk]

Black Beard the infamous pirate and his crew came to port. They went
on shore leave in a bar near the docks.

While he was serving drinks, the barman got talking to the pirate.
"Where'd you get that peg leg from?"

"Well, Oi was thrown from me ship during gale force winds, and before
me mate could throw me a line, this big ol' shark came along and bit
me leg clean orf. Har."

Later the barman asked, "And where'd you get that hook, then?"

"Ah, me crew and I were fighting our way through to the treasury and
me arm got cut through the bone in a sword fight with the Captain of
the Guard."

Then the barman asked, "And where'd you get the eye patch from?"

"Har," the pirate said, "I was out on deck one day and a gull flew
over and crapped in me eye."

The barman was puzzled. "How would a gull crapping in your eye make
you wear an eye patch?"

"First day with the hook, har har."

[Bob]

I man comes home from work and says to his wife "Quick get me a beer before it starts!"

So his wife goes to the fridge and get him a beer.

He downs it and says "Quick get me another one before it Starts!"

So his wife get's him the second beer.

Once again he downs it and says"Quick get me another beer before it starts!"

His wife loses her patience and shouts at him "You come home from work, Don't even say hi before you start shouting orders at me and drinking beer! Who on earth do you think you are?"

The man says "Damn, it's started...."

[Bob]

:lol:

don't tell me you hadn't heard that one before??

[gugly_duk]

A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The barman
gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his
surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great
tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave
is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette
machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the
machine. "You're a TOTAL WANKER... My God you STINK... Do you know,
you're almost AS UGLY AS YOUR MOTHER!"

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an
explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are
complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

[gugly_duk]

A man was driving along the road when he sees a nun walking alone. Out
of his good nature he picks the nun up and offers her a lift.

While driving along the man asked the nun how hard it was to avoid
sexual activity. She responded by telling him that she actually was
quite often involved sexually with other Catholics. The man, seeing
his chance to get some, responded by telling her he was a Catholic and
had often dreamt of getting sucked off by a holy women.

The nun seemed excited by this and told him to pullover where she
proceeded to give him the best blowjob he'd ever had.

Once done, they continued driving when the man started feeling guilty
and told the nun that he wasn't, actually, a Catholic, but a baptist.

"That's okay, I lied too. My name's Frank and I'm on my way to a fancy
dress party."

[Ginga]

My half sisters epileptic, I've not seen her have a fit yet but apparently it's shiit scary.
Were you scared ?

[ZmattZ]

Nah, it's not catching, is it?!?

My old next door neighbour's grown up son had a fit once and he was a big lad, they asked me to hold him (without restraining him(?) I think I was meant to act as a cushion) so he didn't hurt himself too much...I was nearly as knackered as he was afterwards...

Hope your sister has the meds to keep it under control, you're right though, it isn't very nice...

It's about as nice as walking on Meex during his "alone time."

The porn mags I understood...but the nipple clamps?!

[Bob]

What's Orange and Sings Opera?

Leslie Carrot!

[Septic]

Sorry for the bump


Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My
measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have
on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.
I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue
sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm
looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way
down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge,
swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster,
pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder
and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air
caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you... umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep
your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait,
it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly
feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know... thing... in
your... you know... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my *** back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans
of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire!
I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: <logged off>

Sorry to bump this but I was in stitches reading this. Genius lol.

[Septic]

I was at the supermarket recently. I got to the till with my usual trolley of shopping along with two trolleys full of booze. An old woman joined the queue behind me and all she had was a pint of milk.

"Is that all you've got?" I asked.

"Yes" she replied.

So I did the decent thing and said, "If I were you, I'd fuck off to another till; this is going to take ages."

Ahahahha lol.

[leelee]

What sexual position produces the ugliest babies?






Ask your mum!

[Septic]

LOOOL!! I'm gonna use that one on my mates. Your mum jokes are our forté

[gugly_duk]

I got in yesterday and worr las said Jamie from auto glass had been round to inject his special solution into her crack, I wasn't suspicious untill I realized she didn't have a car!