2012: COD Black Ops 2, a New Xbox and More
We whip our crystal ball out to predict Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2, the Xbox 720, the end of the console as we know it and crucial future gaming developments.
With Microsoft and Sony currently unwilling to break cover on their next-generation hardware projects and the games they’ll support, it’s left to speculation as to what the coming years will bring. Unless, of course, you have an Intel-powered crystal ball and a soothsayer with the training to use it. Which, as fate would have it we do, although he’s a Microsoft-trained soothsayer, so he’s only capable of telling the future of XBox gaming. Still, we’ve got him for the day, so let’s see what his thoughts are on the key points of 2012 and beyond.
1 January 2012
Industry analyst Michael Pachter says that another Call Of Duty game will be announced this year and that it will sell “lots of copies”. He also states with unsual specificity that an asteroid 100Km wide at its thickest point will veer from its predicted trajectory and on 12 December at 0043:29, it will smash into the South Pacific Ocean near Easter Island and cause the extinction of nearly all species on Earth, including 98% of the human population.
6 March
Mass Effect 3 debuts in the States: it’s the best-looking Mass Effect game so far and though it’s not quite as good a game as Mass Effect 2, it sells 10 million copies in the first minute of its launch. In the game finale, Shepard sloughs his human-Spectre form and is able to mollify the Reapers as some kind of transcendental human-alien consciousness. Also, to the bitter disappointment and horror of thousands of fans, Tali’Zorah actually turns out to be a very effeminate gay Quarian. Fans play the multiplayer game for a week, then lose interest and go back to playing their COD Elite accounts.
3 May
Game Informer Magazine’s big scoop on the new Microsoft console is leaked onto the internet in the form of several crumby page scans on a half-arsed blog site. The big unveiling is coming at E3 2012, apparently – according to Michael Pachter. He also states that it will have “better graphics than the Xbox 360, because it will be more powerful.”
6 June
Microsoft lifts the lid on its new console, the Xbox 1440: it’s twice as good as the anticipated Xbox 720! It will be launched with several new Kinect games, including Kinect: Kinect, where you control a Kinect player playing a game on Kinect.
7 June
N4G goes into meltdown as the site fills with inferno-rated Xbox console articles, while adolscent Sony and Xbox fanboys vent 
unmitigated hatred for eachother. The minority of 20-plus adults roll their eyes and stoke the flames a little, before leaving the site to cool down for a few weeks.
July-August 2012
The summer drought hits. Gamers worldwide shelter from the harsh UV in their bedrooms, finishing off another Mass Effect 3 DLC pack, playing Dark Souls new game ++++ and attempting to break Skyrim in new and unusual ways before posting their 203,148′th Skyrim blog article online. Hardcore gamers and game journalists down-tools to emerge for their annual dose of Vitamin D.
1 November 2012
Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 is announced. Activision says that it will be released on 2 November 2012 and it instantly gets 50 million pre-orders. Activision hires out the entire Burj Khalifa for its launch event and flies the The Queen Of England out to Dubai to present MBEs to every one of its attendees. Copies of COD: Black Ops 2 are sent to a select few publications.
12 December at 0043:29
No-one pays this auspicious time any attention and without anyone watching, the world doesn’t end. Michael Pachter sweeps his failed prediction under the carpet of another prediction: that our Sun will go supernova in around 4 billion years.
2013 and beyond
The Xbox 1440 is launched and PS3 gamers claim that the Cell processor is still better, even though a certain rocket-scientist, game programming industry legend states that he could get more juice out of an Atari 2600. Launch titles Assassin’s Creed: Brothers In Arms Edition and Forza Motorsport 5 break new graphical boundaries, but Sony fans say they prefer Tomb Raider 1 and that Gran Turismo 2 still looks a better game. Onlive quietly swallows up every inch of Internet adverstising space available and while everyone squabbles, it takes over the industry.
By 2020, we’re playing on lightweight, licensed emulators loaded onto flash memory integrated into our TV sets and unbelievably, people now hate games that are bad and not because of some stupid partisan attachment to a brand.
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What a f*king troll. Try to write a proper article instead of trying to get hits with this crap. I honestly started reading this article assuming it would be elaborationg on viable outcomes for events in 2012. What a load of bull.
Really enjoyed this, but you pushed the boundatoes too far with that last sentence ;)
Boundatoes are lovely baked, with tuna mayo and sweetcorn.
Bought a smile to my face, very funny. Well done for mocking fanboys who lack the intelligence to prevent them selves from been brain watched by the brand..
S.
washed by the brand!!!
S.
fanboys are not brainwashed, if i like scarlett johanssen better than jessica alba have i been brainwashed by scarlett? its simply justifying your purchase. If you got married and i called your wife ugly of course you would defend her. this is the same thing on a smaller scale. The people who are the most annoying are those that make such a fuss over fanboys, going above and beyond to express your anger. just shut up and let it be.
Worst article I have ever read.
Content alone is shit, but the structure and format is just as bad
Lol spot the fanboys who don’t like getting mocked.
@ J( awesome name) you clearly know what your talking about, I mean you use words like “structure” and “format”.
@inja I sort of agree with you, I think people use the fanboy excuse to try and shoot down any opinion that doesn’t agree with theirs but there is a difference between having a proper opinion and thinking something is better just because you have it. I pity these people since they obviousey can’t afford both consoles.
Awww man I thought aliens were gonna come in 2012 and give us their gaming consoles, you mean we are still going to only have microsoft and sony? Man 2012 is gonna be crap.
Comparing girls to consoles haha classic
@inja I got married, had two affairs, then devorsed my wife gave her to someone else who murdered her, then I married her sister…..
What a life!
This is just a sh*tty article trolling Sony.
Lmao at the SDF…so mad. Delusion ensues.
i found it humorous and it spent most of its time bashing sony fan boys guys so YOU are wrong. (i am a sony fan boy i just buy games on other console because they are good games)
This is horrible. If you were were looking for a few laughs then it all fine, but I believe this is how you really feel. Get off microsofts cock.
That’s 3 minutes of my life I’m never getting back.
Last time I read an article from this dump.
What a load of horseshit!
But then again, this is coming from an xboxer so we should not be surprised with the child-like level of intelligence!
Funny how people are calling this guy a troll as if he wrote the article about them for them, grow up kid’s it’s just an opinion, don’t insult him by calling him a troll then making a comment that peg’s you as the definition of one!
Our sun does not have enough mass to go Super Nova. Not nearly enough.
Oh yeah, horrible article as well.
Not another cod please!!
I have fun with, cause I discovered just what I was having a look for. You have ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye
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