2012: COD Black Ops 2, a New Xbox and More
We whip our crystal ball out to predict Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2, the Xbox 720, the end of the console as we know it and crucial future gaming developments.
With Microsoft and Sony currently unwilling to break cover on their next-generation hardware projects and the games they’ll support, it’s left to speculation as to what the coming years will bring. Unless, of course, you have an Intel-powered crystal ball and a soothsayer with the training to use it. Which, as fate would have it we do, although he’s a Microsoft-trained soothsayer, so he’s only capable of telling the future of XBox gaming. Still, we’ve got him for the day, so let’s see what his thoughts are on the key points of 2012 and beyond.
Industry analyst Michael Pachter says that another Call Of Duty game will be announced this year and that it will sell “lots of copies”. He also states with unsual specificity that an asteroid 100Km wide at its thickest point will veer from its predicted trajectory and on 12 December at 0043:29, it will smash into the South Pacific Ocean near Easter Island and cause the extinction of nearly all species on Earth, including 98% of the human population.
Mass Effect 3 debuts in the States: it’s the best-looking Mass Effect game so far and though it’s not quite as good a game as Mass Effect 2, it sells 10 million copies in the first minute of its launch. In the game finale, Shepard sloughs his human-Spectre form and is able to mollify the Reapers as some kind of transcendental human-alien consciousness. Also, to the bitter disappointment and horror of thousands of fans, Tali’Zorah actually turns out to be a very effeminate gay Quarian. Fans play the multiplayer game for a week, then lose interest and go back to playing their COD Elite accounts.
Game Informer Magazine’s big scoop on the new Microsoft console is leaked onto the internet in the form of several crumby page scans on a half-arsed blog site. The big unveiling is coming at E3 2012, apparently – according to Michael Pachter. He also states that it will have “better graphics than the Xbox 360, because it will be more powerful.”
Microsoft lifts the lid on its new console, the Xbox 1440: it’s twice as good as the anticipated Xbox 720! It will be launched with several new Kinect games, including Kinect: Kinect, where you control a Kinect player playing a game on Kinect.
N4G goes into meltdown as the site fills with inferno-rated Xbox console articles, while adolscent Sony and Xbox fanboys vent unmitigated hatred for eachother. The minority of 20-plus adults roll their eyes and stoke the flames a little, before leaving the site to cool down for a few weeks.
The summer drought hits. Gamers worldwide shelter from the harsh UV in their bedrooms, finishing off another Mass Effect 3 DLC pack, playing Dark Souls new game ++++ and attempting to break Skyrim in new and unusual ways before posting their 203,148′th Skyrim blog article online. Hardcore gamers and game journalists down-tools to emerge for their annual dose of Vitamin D.
1 November 2012
Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 is announced. Activision says that it will be released on 2 November 2012 and it instantly gets 50 million pre-orders. Activision hires out the entire Burj Khalifa for its launch event and flies the The Queen Of England out to Dubai to present MBEs to every one of its attendees. Copies of COD: Black Ops 2 are sent to a select few publications.
12 December at 0043:29
No-one pays this auspicious time any attention and without anyone watching, the world doesn’t end. Michael Pachter sweeps his failed prediction under the carpet of another prediction: that our Sun will go supernova in around 4 billion years.
The Xbox 1440 is launched and PS3 gamers claim that the Cell processor is still better, even though a certain rocket-scientist, game programming industry legend states that he could get more juice out of an Atari 2600. Launch titles Assassin’s Creed: Brothers In Arms Edition and Forza Motorsport 5 break new graphical boundaries, but Sony fans say they prefer Tomb Raider 1 and that Gran Turismo 2 still looks a better game. Onlive quietly swallows up every inch of Internet adverstising space available and while everyone squabbles, it takes over the industry.
By 2020, we’re playing on lightweight, licensed emulators loaded onto flash memory integrated into our TV sets and unbelievably, people now hate games that are bad and not because of some stupid partisan attachment to a brand.