4 reasons why Duke Nukem Forever would be better with Kinect

It’s the eternal, infernal struggle: the argument about which version of a game is better across various platforms. Sadly, despite the presence of logic, reason, and painstakingly laborious pixel counting machines, there’s always someone willing to bawl out a stupid rebuttal as to why their version is still better. So, in order to head such tosh off at the pass, here’s our own demented, illogical reasoning as to why Duke could unmistakeably better with Kinect. We welcome your responses.

4. You can actually use the kick function

Those of you old enough to remember the nineties without the need to consult dreary Channel 4 ‘I love the…’ coma-fests or asking your parents will appreciate just how massive Duke Nukem 3D was. What even those people probably won’t remember is the Duke kicking can-can animation, where everyone’s favourite dumbass could run and, er, kick his leg out at the same time. How he does this is never exactly explained, but we’ll paraphrase one of Ritchie from Bottom’s lines: ‘That’s not his leg in there’

Anyway, now you can attempt this extraordinary level of athleticism in the comfort of your tiny hovel, safe in the knowledge that ‘yes, it’s fine, Kinect works in small rooms! That’s why we always show it off in areas bigger than the bloody millennium dome’. Just don’t expect to have a TV after it’s all done. Or any dignity.

3. You could actually give money to strippers and then dance with them

Listen, controllers are passe. Finished. DONE. There’s no point in pressing a simple button to get things done when you could stand up and actually make the motion, otherwise those short lived ‘remote controls’ that everyone remembers would have had a longer lifespan. Is there anything that could make you feel more like Duke than actually making the motion of handing over grubby, cocaine-and-fear stained bank notes to a scared and feeble woman before dancing awkwardly with them, then we’re yet to fathom it, and we’d wager you are too.  As an added bonus, IMAGINE if anyone saw you doing this.

2. You could use Kinect’s voice commands to utter Duke’s legendary insults

One of the main problems with the console versions of Duke 3D was that the controllers (see, told you these things were done) generally didn’t have the nine hundred thousand inputs that a keyboard has, sadly meaning that the pre-stocked insults of the PC version were, on console, triggered by the game as opposed to the user.

Kinect renders this worry obsolete, and what a relief it is. Now you can spend all day shouting dirty phrases like ‘I’m going to rip your head off, and shit down your neck’, or any other combination of random expletives and childish threats of violence all day long, like a day spent walking around Hull. As an aside, anyone who has ever played a game of Halo or CoD online should be well versed in exactly how to form these stinging barbs.

1. You could actually defecate down someone’s neck

Ok, here us out. We know it sounds crazy, but can you actually imagine a better way to ‘be’ Duke (apart from number 3 of course), than when after defeating the biggest boss of the game, you have to proudly do the business right there and then on the shag pile, with Kinect picking up all of the grisly details and congratulating you coldly, like a kinky version of HAL? We dare the game to get anywhere near this level of ingenuity, but fear that the loyal PlayStation lot, stuck with their tiny magic wands, would cry into their miserable collection of inferior ports. Zing!

Of course we don’t actually believe any of this, nor do we actually endorse it. Except maybe number 2. As in the second-highest entry into the list, not the action described in number one. But come on, multiplatform gaming is becoming boring. Give us some variety, yeah?

The Deal’s views are never those of X360 magazine, or an sane human being for that matter